Vainglory Meets Irony
by DarkLozFanUberest
Summary: Another theatre assignment! This is a "The Importance of Being Ernest" and "Jane Eyre" production, and was acted out in a PROFESSIONAL theatre class!  D YAY! Enjoy it.


14/06/2011 15:30:00

I, known as DarkLozFanUberest, wrote this, and later had a few friends act it out. It was funny for the ones who had read these two books, and not so much for those who hadn't. That's okay though, the actors and others enjoyed and appreciated this, and I was satisfied with that~! I do not own Algernon, St. John or the their respective books, but I do own a majority of the plot in this little tête-à-tête. I hope you enjoy. =D Oh, and Theatre class ROX!

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><p><strong><em>The Importance of Being Earnest<em> and _Jane Eyre_ Crossover**

Created by DarkLozFanUberest

**_Vainglory meets Irony_**

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><p>Two men sit across from another. One, Algernon, is eating something and completely ignoring the other as the second, St. John, stares at the first, expectantly.<p>

Algernon:

(_eating, completely ignoring his guest) _

(_pauses to wipe mouth then continues eating_)

St. John:

(_raises eyebrow and continues staring, waiting patiently_)

Algernon:

(_finishes chewing and pauses to reach for something else_)

St. John:

(_interrupting Algernon_)

**Excuse me.**

Algernon:

(_is startled slightly and looks up in surprise_)

**What?**

St. John:

**I said, excuse me.**

Algernon:

(_blinks at second confused, then slowly_)

**Oh, um…you're excused.**

St. John:

(_sighs deeply_)

**That is not quite what I meant, sir.**

Algernon:

(_frowns in confusion_)

**Oh? Well, whatever **_**did**_** you mean…uh, sir.**

St. John:

**St. John.**

Algernon:

(_extremely confused_)

**What?**

(_slowly, holding word_)

_**No**_**, my name, my good man, is Algernon**

(_lifts head, pride-fully_)

St. John:

(_tightly_)

**I am quite aware of that, **_**Algernon**_**. **_**My**__**name**_** is St. John; I am a minister.**

Algernon:

(_blinks, not really paying attention_)

**Oh.**

(_glances around slightly then looks back to St. John_)

**And?**

St. John:

(_stares darkly at Algernon for a moment, taking a deep breath and speaking tightly and deliberately_)

**Forgive me for presuming you had forgotten, **_**good. sir**_**. **

Algernon:

(_nods head to St. John, with a smug smile_)

**You are forgiven. I can't possibly hold a grudge against such **_**a holy man**_** such as you, ahem, my good sir.**

St. John:

(_closes eyes momentarily and takes another deep breath, forcibly calm and smiling_)

**Why **_**Thank**_** You.**

Algernon:

(_still smiling, takes a bite of food and chewing, dismissively_)

**But of course.**

(_continues chewing, rather loudly_)

St. John:

(_grimaces at him and frowns in disapproval_)

(_To self_)

**What **_**shameless**_**, Epicureanism is this?**

Algernon:

(_pleasantly, though slightly muffles as his mouth is full_)

**Wha wa zjat? Didjuu shay shomethin Shijuu?**

St. John:

(_smiles fakely_)

**Not a thing, sir.**

(_airily_)

**You **_**must**_** be hearing things.**

Algernon:

(_shrugs uncaring_)

**Hm.**

(_swallows, and continues to eat_)

St. John:

(_frustrated, to self_)

**This man is at a complete disregard of the proper conduct towards guests! Does he not realize we have important business to attend to?**

Algernon:

(_frowns and glances up at St. John, putting down food_)

**Now see here, sir!**

St. John:

(_starts_)

Algernon:

**It's occurred to me that you have been most rude!**

St. John:

(_confused_)

**How so, sir?**

Algernon:

(_pouting slightly_)

**You never answered my question.**

St. John:

(_angrily to himself_)

_**His**_** question?**

(_to Algernon, seemingly only confused_)

**What question is that, sir?**

Algernon:

**You had said-**

(_pause for a beat and look down, trying to remember_)

**You said that…**

(_remembering, he brightens and raises finger in an "Aha!" sort of way, nodding head_)

**You told me your name.**

St. John:

(_turns head a little, confused_)

**I'm…not sure I understand.**

Algernon:

(_waving his hand for St. John to be quiet_)

**You told me your name, which I already **_**obviously**_** knew, being the overly educated man that I am, and **_**then**_** didn't tell me why this partaking of information was of any importance when I asked you so!**

St. John:

(_looking astounded, silent for a beat_)

(_in an incredulous tone_)

**Do you not know who I am, sir?**

Algernon:

(_looking annoyed now, picks up biscuit_)

**Of course I do! You've told me, now, thrice in fact! You are St. John!**

St. John:

(_suspiciously, but coaxingly_)

**But what is my profession?**

Algernon:

(_huffs indignantly, not intending for St. John to hear_)

**Well, you certainly **_**aren't**_** being a very congenial guest, **_**that's**_** for sure.**

St. John:

(_frowns at Algernon, silently_)

Algernon:

(_groans_)

**How ever could I know a thing like that? You haven't **_**graced**_** me with such informative information as of yet.**

St. John:

(_smirks to self, and chuckles quietly_)

Algernon:

(_glaring_)

**Well?**

St. John:

(smiling, almost coquettishly)

**Well, what?**

Algernon:

(_angrily_)

**Do you plan on **_**telling**_** me you're oh-so-important profession anytime soon?**

(_looks away, nose in the air, eyes closed_)

**I am quite hungry and intend to leave immediately for dinner.**

St. John:

(_amused, though incredulously, to self_)

_**Dinner**_**? This man has already indulged himself enough to damn a **_**dozen**_** men! How can he possibly be thinking of dinner?**

Algernon:

(_turns back to St. John, expectantly_)

**Ahem.**

St. John:

**I am a minister, sir, I have already told you this-**

Algernon:

(_looks up surprised, and cutting him off_)

**A minister, you say?**

St. John:

(_irritated, holding the word_)

_**Yes**_**.**

(_to self_)

**Hmph.** **This man obviously has no respect for anyone other than himself! **

(_with a note of finality_)

**And **_**my**_** respect has always been gained through proper conduct, which Algernon is highly wanting of, so he shall have none it.**

Algernon:

(_happily_)

**Say now, I've been meaning to see one of those! You see, my good friend-**

St. John:

(_frustrated, cutting him off_)

**Yes, yes, I know. You're good **_**friend**_** Bunbury, sir, I know of him, in fact, you have told me **_**much**_** of him already.**

Algernon:

(_confused_)

**I have?**

St. John:

(_wearily with a nod_)

**Excessively so. If I were to publish all the knowledge I have gathered of this **_**Bunbury**_** fellow, I would have already become a thrice published author on just his preferences alone!**

(_to himself_)

**Not to say that anyone would actually **_**read**_** such rubbish, but…that aside…**

Algernon:

(_looking a little irritated and nonplussed_)

**Oh…well then…um…perhaps I should check up on my good friend now, you shall already know how insalubrious the fellow has been-**

St. John:

(_steepling his fingers and giving Algernon an unconvinced look_)

**Mm, Quite. **

Algernon:

(_beginning to shift uncomfortably_)

**Yes, well…**

(_suddenly stands, and quickly in a forced cheerful way_)

**Well! I must be off! Bunbury won't wait you know!**

(_clears his throat nervously and makes his way towards offstage_)

St. John:

(_raising an eyebrow at him_)

**Oh? And you intend to leave without us having dealt with dear **_**Bunbury**_**'s quandary?**

Algernon:

(_hesitates_)

**And what quandary might that be, **_**sir**_**?**

(_rambling_)

**You know you shouldn't ask such vague questions when there are dinners to attend and-**

St. John:

(_cutting him off_)

**And the fact that Bunbury is, in fact, **_**dead**_**?**

Algernon:

(_startled_)

**I beg your pardon?**

St. John:

(_nods to him, dismissively_)

**You are.**

(_standing as well_)

**Permit me to quote you on a prior statement of yours, kind sir, "Bunbury is dead…I killed him this afternoon."**

Algernon:

(_upset, looks around quickly as though expecting someone to have heard, and makes hushing motions)_

_(quietly_)

**I say! I must ask you to cease that nonsensicalness! Do you wish to disparage me to the status of a murderer?**

St. John:

(_demandingly_)

**Aren't you, though?**

Algernon:

(_sharply_)

**Of course not! Bunbury isn't real-**

(_eyes widen, to self_)

**Damn it all!**

(_takes the biscuit still in his hand and stuffs it in his mouth_)

St. John:

(_smugly, with a smirk_)

**Oh, he isn't real? But you just said Bunbury was dead? How can something not alive possibly be deceased?**

Algernon:

(_stares at him indignantly and finished chewing_)

(_angrily_)

**Now see here! **_**You**_** are the one who said he was deceased! Not I! **_**I**_** told you nothing of the sort!**

St. John:

**But isn't that what you told your dear Aunt Augusta?**

Algernon:

(_confused and angry_)

**How do you know Aunt Augusta-**

St. John:

(_leaving no room for further discussion_)

**I am a man of god. **

(_haughtily_)

**I just know these things.**

Algernon:

(_frantically looking around_)

(_quickly_)

**Well,** **I have done nothing wrong!**

St. John:

(_raising an eyebrow_)

**You have lied and are lying. To be quite frank with you, sir, what **_**haven't**_** you done wrong.**

Algernon:

(_remembering something, changing the subject_)

**I Say, now! **

(_Scowling_)

**I only asked you here to help Bunbury-**

St. John:

(_offhandedly_)

**Who is either finished or fiction.**

Algernon:

**-not to insult and affront me!**

(_pause for a beat, then, offended_)

**I Say! **

St. John:

(_sighing disappointedly, eyes closed_)

**I am sad for you, sir.**

Algernon:

(_insulted, but confused_)

**Why is that?**

St. John:

(_looking over at Algernon, reserved_)

**You are unable to face your problems without the aid of your dear **_**Bunbury**_.

(_beat_)

**A man of your age should be able to function sans a **_**nanny**_**, one who can not seems like…a **_**ninny**_**.**

Algernon:

(_even more insulted_)

**I am not a Ninny! How dare you, sir!**

(_composing self, straightening clothing_)

**Besides, every man needs a Bunbury-**

St. John:

(_his interest piqued_)

**Oh? And why is that, sir?**

Algernon:

**A married man-**

St. John:

(_smiling, hands out, palms facing the ceiling_)

**Ah, but I am **_**not**_** married**

(_offhandedly_)

**Though I almost was…**

(_almost wistful look_)

Algernon:

(_nonplussed_)

**Um…**

St. John:

(_snapping out of it, waving it off with a hand_)

**Oh. Right, right. Please continue sir.**

Algernon:

(_slightly put out_)

**Right…**

(_loudly_)

**As I was saying, one would be most thankful to know a Bunbury, as if they were ever to become married,**

(_slightly pompously_)

**I have learned from experience that a man who marries without knowing a Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.** (_I.o.B.E. quote_)

St. John:

(_scoffs_)

**Experience? My good man, I was under the impression you had never been married. How could you possibly have had any experience at'all?**

Algernon:

(_put out, quietly_)

**Well I didn't say it was **_**my**_** experience…**

St. John:

(_egging him on_)

**Why, I'm sure you couldn't even get engaged without the aid of your precious Bunbury!**

Algernon:

(_greatly offended_)

**How **_**dare**_** you, sir? I could get engaged if I wanted to!**

(_looks towards the exit, then back at him_)

**I'ves just…I've never wanted to.**

St. John:

(_smirking_)

**Obviously not, but you do now?**

Algernon:

(_he seems to recall something) _

_(to self_)

**My Cecily…**

(_eying St. John suspiciously_)

_**Yes**_**…as a matter of factuality, I do. But how did **_**you**_** know.**

St. John:

(_giving him a look of disbelief_)

Algernon:

(_frowns and then widens eyes, embarrassed_)

**Oh! Yes…right, I told you. I remember now.**

St. John:

(_scoffs_)

**I'm sure.**

Algernon:

(_frowns at St. John_)

**I must say, sir…I was only looking for a minister-**

St. John:

(_gives him an unconvinced, mocking look_)

Algernon:

(_offended_)

**I remembered, don't judge me!**

St. John:

(_just shakes head_)

Algernon:

(_frowning deeper_)

**You certainly aren't anything like the St. John I've heard about…**

St. John:

(_looks up_)

**Ah, yes, that quite reminds me, I never asked how you came by my name.**

Algernon:

(_looks up as well_)

**What's that?**

St. John:

(_curiously_)

**How ever did you come across my name?**

Algernon:

(_in understanding_)

**Oh.**

(_offhandedly_)

**I found it in a book.**

St. John:

(_slightly confused_)

**I see…**

(_then grins mockingly_)

**And **_**why**_** would you ever be looking for someone like **_**me**_** for assistance?**

Algernon:

(_offended once more_)

**I needed advice from a minister!**

St. John:

(_in mocking understanding_)

**Ah, yes, well. Luckily for you, sir, a minister I am.**

Algernon:

(_angrily_)

**I know that!**

(_glares_)

St. John:

(_chuckles) _

_(to self_)

**This fellow is quite easily flustered**

(_contemplative_ _look, still to self_)

**Perhaps I should just listen to what he has to say?**

(_to Algernon, who has been silently seething_)

**What would you ask of me, sir.**

Algernon:

(_calming down_)

**I would only like to know how you would suggest I go about…**

(_thinking of the proper word_)

_**Rectifying**_** one's self from their sins.**

St. John:

(_pause to think for a beat_)

**Well…I would suggest you **_**stop**_** sinning, for one.**

Algernon:

(_irritated sigh_)

**Yes, yes, "lying is bad, don't do it" Duly noted, sir.**

St. John:

(_giving him a sharp look_)

**And start acting **_**less**_** predictably, for another.**

Algernon:

(_astounded_)

_**Predictably**_**? How am **_**I**_** acting, in any way, **_**predictable**_**?**

St. John:

(_smiling, listing off reason_)

**Well, for one, you have acted in an uncouth manner towards my requested suggestions; Two, you are reacting defensively towards a comment that spoke of you in a negative light, and **_**Three**_**, you will post haste become discomfited and attempt to distract from said discomfiture.**

Algernon:

(quickly turning head to the side, quietly)

**Yes…well, I…I'm probably late for dinner by now**

(makes to leave)

St. John:

(_self-satisfactory smile_)

_**Mhmm**_**, I'm quite sure it is only around half past two.**

Algernon:

(_pauses and turns around with a frown_)

St. John:

(_expectant look_)

Algernon:

(_huffing_)

**Fine! Don't give me the advice then! I will go see Cecily and my **_**dear brother Jack**_** by myself!**

(_storms offstage_)

St. John:

(_just shakes his head and slowly gets up, he looks down and notices something in surprise where Algernon was sitting_)

**What's this?**

(_reaches down and mimes holding something under his thumb_)

**It's seems Mr. Moncrieff left a book behind…**

(_shifts book into both hands and frowns in confusion, to self_)

**What the deuce…**

(_looks closer and eyes widen_)

_**Jane Eyre**_**?**

**(**_**Scene**_**)**

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><p>(PS, that final comment "What the deuce…" as OOC as it may have seemed, was added for the benefit of the actor playing St. John, they requested it.)<p>

So what did you guys think? ='3


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